BLOG: Argument Even-Better-Ifing
Move On or Move FORWARD?
That was NO fun at all! Arguing rarely is, right? It might have even gotten a little ugly there for a moment too. Yet you made it to the other side.
Or did you?
Now that the fight is “over,” if you’re like most people, you’re just glad it’s over, grateful you managed to get through it. Now you just want to put it behind you, forget about it and MOVE ON.
Moving ON might be terribly tempting, yet moving FORWARD is faaaaaaaaaar more faaaaaaaaabulous.
AND it will save you tons of time, heartaches and headaches-galore in the future too!
Willing Is Winning
Are you willing to invest just a little time and energy if it means you’ll fight less often, they’ll be less extreme (even be mild) and they won’t last as long?
If you’re willing, even one of you, then you will BOTH win. If both of you are willing, then you can win BIG.
In this case, being WILLING is WINNING.
If you’re willing to…
- LEAN into the LESSONS
- Let your MESS be your MESSAGE
- And your “PROBLEMS” be your PATH
- Fights DON’T have to be a fiasco.
- You CAN transform the BREAKDOWNS into BREAKTHROUGHS
- And turn an argument into intimacy
The VERY thing that was pulling you APART can be the VERY thing that pulls you TOGETHER.
Okay, so how do you do that? Try out this Peace Practice, we call “Argument Even-Better-Ifing.”
You might be familiar with our Romp Recap tip for How to Keep the SexDirty – AFTER. That is the Passion Practice for post-sexy-time.
This is where you have a relaxed conversation with your beloved about how your last sexual experience was in three different areas (intimacy, sexiness, and technique).
You do a post-sexy-time analysis in a relaxed conversation focused on how it can be even better next time.
It essentially guarantees Best-Eva-Sexy-Time… IF you actually do it.
What the Romp Recap does to set you up for Best-Eva-Sexy-Time is what Argument Even-Better-If-ing does for ensuring your fights are increasingly rare, mild, and short.
You can even RETIRE a few of those repeat arguments too!
Fabulous Fighter vs. No Fighting At All
YOU absolutely CAN turn conflict into connection, and complaint into contentment. And as they say, “Those who do not learn from history, are doomed to repeat it.”
So here’s a simple map for assessing how you two did in your fight and where you might do better next time. Now before I get to explaining this technique, I want to make sure you get the importance of learning to become a Fabulous Fighter.
Sure we all want to fight less, still, you might also be asking… “Why do I want to learn how to be a Fabulous Fighter? Don’t I want to NOT fight at all?”
Actually – NO!
Research has shown again and again, that for a healthy, intimate, lasting, AND satisfying relationship, you DON’T want to AVOID conflict, you want to GET GOOD at it!
Need a Minute?
The fight has come to some sort of a finish. Or has it? Be sure it IS indeed over and that the tension HAS been, at the very least, tamed.
Do not start the Argument-Even-Better-Ifing too early, otherwise, you might get sucked back into the argument itself.
You or your beloved might need a few minutes, hours, or even a day to let emotions settle before you can lean into the lessons of your last fight.
Challenge yourself to do this Peace Practice ASAP, just don’t push yourself too far, too soon, or it might blow up in your face.
If you or your beloved are overwhelmed and need space, see our past blog, “How to Save A So-So Moment From Turning So, So Ugly”.
The ABC’s of Argument Even-Better-Ifing
Once the dust has settled a bit, the claws have been retracted and you can speak again with a commitment to connection and creativity, THEN try this Peace Practice of doing a post-argument analysis or as we like to call it Argument Even-Better-Ifing…
Sit down together close, go for a walk, or find some other relaxing space for the two of you to talk.
Ask each other how you think WE did in this fight and how can we do it better next time.
Name The Argument
Before you dive into the assessment you’re about to do, first name your argument. naming it will give you access to a new, almost observer-like perspective rather than being so “in it” that you don’t even realize you’re in it – like a fish in water oblivious to the water it swims in. Naming your argument acknowledges the pattern rather than getting lost in thinking the conflict is about current circumstances. Spoiler alert: It rarely is.
By naming your argument, you’re reminding yourselves that you are NOT fighting over something in the now. The current conflict or tension is most often a trigger of the past wound.
Measurement Makes It Meaningful
Measurement makes this exercise meaningful. Having clear measures for what makes a fabulous fight (and what makes a frightening one), can be the guiding light towards your relationship getting better and better or the slippery slope, or it getting worse and worse.
Consider “scoring” your arguments in these areas:
- How OFTEN does this particular fight happen? When was the last time we had a fight similar to this one? Zero means it happens all the time, almost daily, if not more. Five means you’ve had it before but it’s been a while. And 10 means that the fight is new and has never happened before.
- How EXTREME or BAD did it get? What are the lines that should not be crossed? Zero means we’ve never been worse, that this was a new LOW. Five means this was a dark day for us, we blew up and lost control or crossed some important boundaries. 10 means we handled it well, we didn’t cross any lines – we maintained a compassionate, caring, and constructive forward focus.
- How LONG did it last? Was it quick and did you get it complete? Zero is I’m still mad. It’s not over even now and I will not let go or forgive. Five means it was drawn out. It took more time than was really needed or helpful. Five means that at least one of you is holding a bit of a grudge and allowing the argument residue to linger. 10 means the fight was a blip and you got through it quite quickly. You were fast to forgive and eager to move forward together.
- Did we use our TOOLS? Zero means, “what tools?” We were so hijacked by our triggers and reactions. We got so swept up that we didn’t even consider using any of the tools we know to help us snap out of it, even in the heat of it to get back into an intimate and aligned connection. Five means we brought up at least one tool and tried to apply it, but we were not too successful or consistent. It means that we got sucked back into the suckiness – that’s a technical term! 10 is we nailed it like ninjas. We used tons of communication and conflict resolution tools, both directly spoken and modeled as we went.
- Did we learn any LESSONS? How can we use and adapt what we learned in this fight? Zero is no new insights, it means we are at a loss and expect this will happen again soon. Five is we modified or evolved some other lessons we have learned from past arguments and studied what to do. 10 means that we leaned into the lessons, and created new tools to apply next time. We even came up with fun and memorable names to make it easy to apply in the future when needed.
Bonus round – take your score from each area and give your argument an overall score. You are aiming for a 10 on all fronts!
Experience is Expensive
If you take even 10-15 minutes for this Drama Debrief, then you can save yourself from being doomed to repeat this argument again and again
Until the love is lackluster; the lust is long gone until ultimately, the relationship is OVER.
Far too often perfectly great relationships go bad and fall apart. Now if you invest just a little intention, attention, action after the fight, you can save yourself from the next nightmare, and certainly from a lot of negativity.
Fighting is normal, human and even healthy. Still, experience is expensive. Just be sure you get what you paid for!
Get proactive about peace in your relationship. Lean into those lessons and become Fabulous Fighters so you can transform conflict into connection by Argument Even-Better-If-ing YOUR next argument.
Watch our Quick Tip Video Clip THEN try this Peace Practice of doing a post-argument analysis or as we like to call it Argument Even-Better-If-ing.
For more on the general topic on HOW to KEEP the Fights Clean, click HERE!
1. Confirm the fights are indeed over and that you're ready to move
FORWARD, not just move ON.
2. Find a relaxing space for the two of you to do some Argument Even
3. Answer these questions and "score" your argument in these areas
- How OFTEN does this particular fight happen?
- How EXTREME or BAD did it get?
- How LONG did it last?
- Did we use our TOOLS?
- Did we learn any LESSONS?
4. Total then average all your score. Aim for tens on all fronts. Set a goal that
your next argument be even better. Be specific and don't forget to pick your
Your Ally in Aiming for Awesome,
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