Try this. Read this out loud.
Yes. Yeeeeeeees. Yesssssssss. YES!
Now this one…
No. Nooooooooooo. Nnnnnnnnnno. NO!
Which one feels better on your lips and in your body?
I hope you said YES!
What a great word, right? It’s open. It welcomes, invites and starts.
A Natural YES
Now some things are easier to say yes to than others, and some feel impossible. And in plenty of cases, “No” IS the appropriate answer.
Still, being a natural YES in life can be outrageously rewarding, ESPECIALLY if you expand your natural capacity to YES your beloved’s desires.
My friends Annie and Eben have a big “YES” on the wall in their apartment. What a great reminder.
It was Annie that first told me “Your desires mean something good about you.” And not just mine, but everyone’s! And especially your beloved’s desires.
Stable & Predictable Sexy-Time
When it comes to sex, most of us unconsciously form our boundaries of comfort and interests and stick pretty close to that map.
This is why it is so easy for the passion to poop out. Sexy-time can all too easily become predictable and stale.
The YES Game
One way to spice it up a bit is to play what we like to call, “The YES Game.”
You don’t have to say yes to everything…
But you should aim to BE a yes in general.
BE embodied, whole hearted, & WANTING to say yes to what your beloved wants, even if it’s not exactly what you would want.
Raj & I have a wedding vow that helps build this YESing practice as a usual way of relating in and out of the bedroom. “I promise to care about your experience and happiness, even when it conflicts with my own.”
Wildly Wonderful Winning
This doesn’t mean we do everything our beloved wants. But it does mean that getting “my way” at the expense of my beloved getting his way, just doesn’t feel good to either of us.
It certainly is NOT winning. Especially when it comes to sex.
Winning is when we’re BOTH seen, expressed and happy. Winning is when we build trust by demonstrating that we genuinely care about the level of joy our beloved gets to experience and if they are truly fulfilled.
This doesn’t mean being run by their demands, moods or turn ons. This is about a solid and sincere culture of paying attention to your beloved’s happiness and saying yes, whenever possible. When you do that you both win in a wildly wonderful way.
If you want to ensure that your sex-life keeps getting better and better, well then get more and more curious. Ask questions. Find new edges. Make it safe to explore and express.
Let your beloved know that their desires are important to you. Even if what turns them on, doesn’t turn you on – you ARE still turned on by them getting turned on, right?
Tell your beloved that the exploration of the outer limits of their sexual desires or “Pleasure Boundaries” (as our Fights Clean SexDirty TV interviewee, Jon Benson calls them), are part of a unique adventure the two of you can go on.
Exploring these limits will create a tidal wave ripple effect of benefits as a couple and as individuals, body, mind and spirit.
Say Sayonara to Shame
Make it safe and inviting for them to express what might be edgy for them. Set the intention to steer clear of any shame or embarrassment. This is a new frontier. An exploration of the most epic proportions that can open up new worlds of wonderful to experience.
There are no right or wrong answers, just exploration. Or as we like to call it, PLAY!
Consider that whether you’re male or female, you’ve likely been shamed your whole life around sex. Men’s sexuality is often portrayed as single-minded, deviant, perverted and even pathological. Women’s sexuality tends to get labeled as loose, sluty or a tease.
There’s plenty more than enough pressure to believe that sex is bad and so are YOUR desires.
Yet what would it be like if you liberated each other from any shame, embarrassment or repression? What would it be like to get rid of the guilt? Wouldn’t you like to put an end to any embarrassment? How about about saying sayonara to shame?
YES covers all of that.
So next time you’re getting it on, go for the gold. Invite your beloved’s fuller sexual expression into your bed – Literally!
Tell them it’s OK. Tell them you WANT to know about their desires. Tell them you trust they’ll honor any of your boundaries that might surface as you stretch to explore theirs. Tell them you’re open and eager to go on an adventure to discover new parts of each other and your relationship.
Seduction Or Separation?
And remember, sexy-time starts WAY before even the seduction. How you live, moment by moment together, is either a form of seduction or a form of separation. So don’t just YES your beloved during sexy-time, YES them all the time.
1. Let your beloved know that their desires are important to you and that you're curious and open to an exploration of their sexual desires or "Pleasure Boundaries."
2. Declare an intention to steer clear of any shame or embarrassment around sex and to say YES whenever possible, even when it is a stretch.
3. When your beloved makes a move or invites you to go down that "road less traveled", say YES!
4. Within 24-hours after your sexy interlude, do a Romp Recap so you can comfortably talk about what was great and what could be "Even-Better-If!"
Your Ally in Aiming for Awesome,
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