BLOG: Two Rules to Keep In Mind for Conscious Communication
Use It or Lose It!
If you don’t USE quality communication skills, you’ll likely get USED UP by an ugly argument at some point or another. Or maybe even over and over again. Augh! Who needs it?!
So let’s look at the two most meaningful rules to follow to create connection and avoid conflict through conscious communication.
Prepare or Prepare to Die!
Most couples just willy nilly their way around a conversation and let it drift where it may. Despite knowing this most often has disastrous results.
The pathway to a peaceful conversation with your partner is to PREPARE!
It isn’t easy listening.
Your beloved has plenty of layers of childhood wounds, their current mood, fears about the past or the future let alone just the distractions and draining activities of the day.
So set your beloved up to HEAR you.
If you want to avoid conflict and create connection then craft your communication with care!
Get Intentional So You Get HEARD
Before you start any important conversation with your partner, ask yourself what you INTENTION is? What is the desired outcome you want from having the conversation?
What do you hope to have experienced or created together?
Do you want to dump on them? Just be heard? Get to a result?
Share your intention along with the issue you’re raising.
TIP: Steer clear of the “facts” as those are somehow often arguable. Stick with the inarguable. Identify the feelings you’re experiencing and what the core human needs are underneath those feelings. Share THAT.
If you invest even a few minutes in advance, if you create an intention and identify your feelings and needs, then opportunity to create intimacy rather than an argument increases dramatically.
Stay In Your LANE!
The second core concept for conscious communication is to STAY IN YOUR LANE!
Or said another way, TAKE TURNS! (Sorry I am shouting here but this is IMPORTANT!)
The biggest problem in communication is people do not know their role, they don’t stay in their lanes. They are trying to BOTH be the SENDER of a message and no one is trying to be the RECEIVER.
If you have ANY chance at healthy habits around communication, you must learn to LISTEN. That means you make it your job to make sure your partner feels not just heard and seen, but also VALIDATED and even EMPATHIZED with.
Give your partner the gift of getting them. Not because it is logical or it makes sense. Their experience is important just because it is THEIR experience.
If you can just SLOW down and make sure ONE person is the sender and ONE is the receiver, (YES use a talking stick if you have to!), if you can make sure you each get a turn at being the sender and the receiver, then most often, the issue actually resolves itself.
It may not be easy, but it is simple. People just want to be HEARD.
Make It Worse or Make It Wonderful?
Often people bite their tongue or just grin and bear it not wanting to make waves or just not having the energy to even deal with it. But sweeping things under the rug just leaves you tripping over it later, falling flat on your face.
Or letting yourself get emotionally hijacked, triggered and blowing up has you painfully regretting things you wish you hadn’t said or done and digging your relationship out of a ditch after a disastrous fight.
Neither stepping over conflicts nor blowing up over them works. Both make them worse. Much worse.
Yet if you PREPARE your message with INTENTION and you then make sure to TAKE TURNS so that BOTH people feel seen, validated and empathized with, well then you have a recipe for re-connection!
Is the way you’re communicating going to make your relationship worse or is it making wonderful?
Get INTENTIONAL so you can get HEARD and then make sure you offer your beloved the gift of GETTING them too.
Let’s play passion!
1. Think of an issue, concern or hope that you have about your relationship. Take a moment to IDENTIFY your INTENTIONS around talking to your beloved about this issue. Ask yourself what your desired outcome is and what you want to experience in the conversation. This is NOT what you want THEM to do, rather what is YOUR intention is for the experience and outcome of the communication.
2. As you’re talking, remember to TAKE TURNS with who is the sender and who is the receiver. Slow down. LISTEN, VALIDATE and EMPATHIZE with each other’s experience before responding with your own ideas, feelings or needs. The core goal is not to resolve, but more importantly to create a couple culture of quality communication so you can navigate ANY issue. Learn to give your beloved the gift of truly getting them. Remember, most people just want to feel HEARD.
Your Ally in Aiming for Awesome,
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