BLOG: Eyes on the Prize, Not the Problems
Asleep at the Wheel
Most couples are asleep at the wheel when it comes to leaning into loving better. Good enough is good enough. Most would just settle for a little peace. Many couples slowly give up on play and passion, they drift into default mode and fall into a rut. If you ask, they’ll say their relationship is “fine”, but the reality is….
A “Fine” Relationship is a Slippery Slope to a f’d up One
When we’re asleep at the wheel of love, the day to day becomes the same old, same old and soon things tend to default to the dull and distant or worse, conflict becomes the norm. Over time, it’s easy to start taking each other for granted. Date nights disappear and sexy-time dry spells drag on for way too long. Day by day, joy, excitement and allyship withers on the vine until one day, it’s just over.
For some couples the decline isn’t so subtle. It’s painfully obvious. The communication becomes more cutthroat than compassionate. Meltdowns and blow ups grow in frequency and intensity. The volatility and uncertainty is often disruptive, embarrassing and threatening to your relationship and enjoyment of life itself.
Annoyances left unchecked can quickly escalate. It starts with little pet peeves just getting on your nerves. If left unchecked, resentment and residue builds up and the same behaviors now make your skin scrawl. One day, they become so infuriating you want to pull your hair out. Before you know it, your blood is boiling, you can’t stand it, (or them!), anymore and you lose it, blow up or even break up.
When a wall has grown between you and your general dynamic devolves, low blows are dealt, a lot of mud gets thrown and blame becomes the currency of your communication.
One Day you Wake up and your Dream Relationship has become a Dreaded Nightmare
Common Yet Ineffective Behaviors to Avoid
It’s wild how we funny humans will keep doing the same behaviors over and over again even though we know full well they wont work and can even make things worse. Beware if you find yourself indulging in any of these common, yet ineffective behaviors:
- Walking on eggshells or avoiding the real issues
- Concealing what you really want/your true desires
- Jumping in with knee-jerk reactions
- Blaming, defending or criticizing
- Toxic or volatile communication
- Engaging as adversaries or a victim/oppressor dynamic
- Being sure you’re right/looking to be the one who “wins”
- Seeking revenge or withholding in spite.
- Unhealthy / risky / attention seek behavior
Leaning in by being confrontational can quickly blow up in your face. Leaning back, hiding, distracting or numbing out hoping it will figure itself out, ISN’T going to fly either. Just know you’re stirring up a recipe for disaster if you allow yourself to engage in any of the above list.
All of this is Exhausting
People are already burdened by enough stressors in life, especially in the intense times we are living in now. Couples are often busy, stressed and just doing their best to make life work. Wouldn’t we all LOVE to have our relationship to be our safe harbor in the storm?
But the all too common, default dynamic has couples living at odds or as roommates rather than as allies and lovers. It’s exhausting. Which is sad considering how enlivening love can and should be.
If you don’t cultivate an intentional day to day dynamic with your beloved, you’ll likely default to your relationship becoming a dull, draining or disastrous one.
Ready to Quit
Even if you have been going round in circles, chasing your tail, trying, trying and trying to solve your relationship problems, you don’t have to throw in the towel on enjoying a playful, peaceful and passionate relationship.
Even if your relationship has been round and round, up and down or touch and go for a while and you think you’re ready to wash your hands of the whole mess, consider these OPTIONS so you don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. There’s often a lot of good in a relationship that gets lost in the conflict focused shuffle. Don’t let your relationship go down without a fight. There’s gold in those mines. But YOU have to mine for it.
It Shouldn’t Be This Hard
One of the most common complaints I hear from couples is… “It shouldn’t be this hard.”
Well what makes people think a long term committed relationship would be easy? Love IS layered, complicated, nuanced and ever changing. There are plenty of hidden landmines amongst the opportunities.
Even Rocket Scientists Struggle with Love and Loving Better
Couples often give up, just when the transformation is getting good. Don’t do it! Your happiness is hanging in the balance. Your happiness matters. It’s not about loving perfectly, it is about loving better. A lifetime of loving better.
Adversaries or Allies?
Most couples are so focused on the problems in their relationship that they miss out on getting inspired by what IS possible. Out of fear or frustration, beloveds turn on beloveds, blaming and complaining rule the day. All the while, getting drained and distracted and completely missing out on the dreams they could be building and the joy they could be experiencing together.
Go Beyond Focusing on Fixing as Adversaries. Aim for Awesome as Allies Instead.
Shifting into Aiming for Awesome was a game changer. My husband and I agreed to kick the complaining and blaming addiction to the curb. We brought our relationship into a whole new ball game by declaring that we would STOP focusing on fixing what was wrong.
Kids in a Candy Store
NO ONE likes to be fixed. Blaming your beloved is like begging them to defend themselves. Complaining is grating and creates separateness. What an eye opener it was when we gave up blaming and complaining and set our sights on what we wanted most. Ditching the default mode for a more proactive approach was just what the doctor ordered.
We started approaching our relationship, especially our goals and dreams like a couple of kids in a candy store. Instead of being irritated, we got engaged. We became intentional and generative and danced with what was possible.
Our core value became...
We held that each of us were great people with unique intelligence and insight and that together, we were better. There was SYNERGY available, even in our conflicting perspectives or desires. (We call this B.I.B.T.O. Both Is Better Than One)
Marriage Midas Touch
What if you had the marriage midas touch where every argument you had, brought you CLOSER together and where everything you aimed for, actually happened?
What if you could not only weather the storm together, you’d be that sanctuary for each other. You’d be on the same team, the same page and making your dreams come true - together as allies, as playmates as lovers.
Love Moves Mountains
A healthy, happy and hot relationship may at times seem elusive or even impossible. But I promise you, love CAN move mountains and it DOES make pigs fly.
Plus love is just too good to give up on. Love is best enjoyed as the whole enchilada. Not just a “fine” kind of love, but a fabulous one! The whole-nine-yards kind of love. full-limo-ride kind of love. Having a playmate (play), a sanctuary (peace), and a lover (passion) is like winning the lottery. We call it the Love Trifecta. And we want you to have it.
This kind of positive and proactive approach might feel as likely as pulling a rabbit out of your hat right now, but it’s not magic. It’s not rocket science. And you can do it.
Your love can be a breathtaking testament to what is possible or it can be an embarrassing and painful disaster. If you have the courage to lean into love, (and pro-actively design your relationship for delight), then you’ll get to be your own hero. Breath hope and happiness into your love life. Be brave. Bust free of the addiction to blame.
When you can be fully aligned as partners, you can truly have the time of your life. Think of what you could do with all the energy and goodwill. Stop blaming and you will blow your minds with the magic you will make with your love.
This isn’t about loving perfectly. It is about leaning IN to loving better.
Don’t Miss the Bliss Boat
When it comes to love and enjoying a playful, peaceful, passionate relationship, you don’t want to miss the bliss boat. So kick it up a notch and strike while the iron is hot. You’re here NOW reading this so what’s next? Where will YOU take action?
Don’t make your romance a moot point. Your love life does not have to be an afterthought or something that gets squeezed in, (or out!). Don’t just give your heart’s yearnings lip service. Knowledge may be power, yes. Just don’t forget that your actions speak louder than words. Take action today.
Whether you’re exhausted by conflict or just excited to set a new inspiring path forward together, there's no time like the present to turn a new leaf in love. Lean into loving better today.
Create your Own For Better Love Marriage Map to Guide you Towards the Relationship of your Dreams.
It may seem counterintuitive, but STOP trying to fix your relationship problems. Instead, start aiming for awesome. Keep your eyes on the PRIZE, not the problems. Identify your ideal individual relationship vision, see where your ideals align, build a map, set meaningful goals, then PLAY full out to make them a reality.
Your Ally in Aiming for Awesome,
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