BLOG: 6 Options for Shifting Out of Anger and Into Intimacy
Conflict Creeps In
Oooooh, here it comes. You can feel an argument brewing. The conflict is creeping in.
You see it coming and you WANT to stop it, but you’re not sure how…
What do YOU do?
Get quiet? Lash out? Get even? Withhold?
Whether you repress it all and bite your tongue or if you let er rip and lash out with a biting tongue, that’s all pretty unhelpful and often outright destructive behavior.
There are healthier ways of not only handling conflict with your beloved but transmuting it into connection instead.
You can take what feels like a problem and turn it into peace and connection. Often more quickly than you’d imagine.
Most People’s Mess
If any of this is uncomfortably or even painfully familiar, don’t worry. It’s OK. You’re CERTAINLY not alone.
Conflict creeping in over everyday dynamics is crazy common and just generally sucks for everyone.
When stressed or confronted, MOST people resort to a series of unconscious ‘solutions’ that are default behaviors that not only DON’T get you what you want, but actually take you FARTHER from it.
The problem with default, unconscious ‘solutions’ is that they are NOT solutions at all.
Don’t Get Tripped Up
Adding in healthy habits is great and we WILL get to that in a minute, but you must also eliminate the unhealthy habits that trip you up again and again or your forward-focused efforts won’t get you very far.
Don’t get stuck in the ‘problem’.
Just pick the ‘unsatisfactory solution’ that hinders you the most. Then we can play with it to loosen its’ grip, plus find NEW tools to help you create the relationship day-to-day dynamic you want most.
If YOU could remove even ONE of these disastrous default behaviors from your patterns of relating, which one would make the biggest difference for YOU and your relationship?
UNSATISFACTORY ‘SOLUTIONS’ FOR CONFLICT
- Upset Overload = Instant Anger – Do you get overwhelmed by all the little upsets adding up? Do you end up snapping and letting the little things lead to big blow-ups?
- You First = Forever F’d Up – Do you fall into the habit of thinking “I will do X IF he/she does Y FIRST”? That’s corrosive to a relationship. It stagnates the growth and brings all partnerships to a screeching halt. Where have you been saying “You first” in your relationship?
- Blame Game = Buzz Kill – When you blame your partner for something 1. they will be forced to defend themselves and 2. you create separation in a me-against-you dynamic. Blame NEVER makes things better. Have you been resorting to blame?
- Ping Pong = Persistent Problem – Back and forth and back and forth. “You did THIS”. “Well you did THAT!” Round and round the merry go round. Are you stuck in a ping-pong problem that goes nowhere?
- Storming off = Solutions Stop – The fight or flight response is strong, still storming off is short-sighted. One person is left feeling abandoned and like their partner doesn’t care enough to resolve it. If you need time out, fine. Just don’t cut away and stomp off. When was the last time you abruptly ended an argument and just left OR when have you insisted you finish it at THAT moment?
- Do Nothing = Death by Default – It may seem easier to do nothing. But that is like death by paper cuts. Slow, but still painful and deadly. Where in your relationship are you taking the hands-off approach just hoping it will get better, (even when you know it will not)?
Pick a Positive Practice
It’s a smart idea to know what trips you up, but don’t stop there.
Pick a POSITIVE PRACTICE to move you towards the connection and fun you really want.
We’ve got solutions that can REALLY satisfy!
Explore, adventure and just test these tools out. Pick the one that’s best for YOU right now and start PLAYING today.
Now, simple is not always easy, yet with a persistent positive PRACTICE, you’ll find your relationship transforming before your eyes into awesome levels of intimacy and fun.
Pick your favorite pathway to a playful, peaceful, passionate relationship…
SATISFYING SOLUTIONS FOR CONFLICT
- Use the Power of the PAUSE – What would happen if you played a Game for exploring the power of the pause? Build a muscle for counting to ten, taking deep breaths, journaling or whatever helps you think before you speak so you’re INTENTIONAL to not end any intimacy. Download an app or set up sticky notes on your walls to remind you.
- Give the Gift of Going FIRST – Melt the mess between you by being the one to ‘go first’. Be the first to soften, be vulnerable and even apologize. Being generous, especially in the face of conflict, can build goodwill as you demonstrate your commitment to connection first and resolving the conflict second.
- OWN Your Upset – When you get mad, consider that it’s because the current situation is familiar, but it’s REALLY about your past. Your beloved can help you in healing the wound IF you refrain from blaming them. Instead share vulnerably what this hurt reminds you of from BEFORE you knew them. Own that it was around before they were.
- POP Out of It – If you find yourself stuck in a ping pong, back and forth with your beloved, why not try POPPING out of it with a Pattern Interrupt. There are so many to explore and can be so much fun. Start singing the argument or even get some kazoos. It’s amazing how much you can understand in kazoo with tone and no words.
- CALL It a So-So Moment – It’s just not always healthy to handle an issue in THAT actual moment. When this happens, call out “This is a So-So-Moment” reminding yourself and your beloved that it could SO easily get SO much worse. It’s better if you reassure each other that you WILL resolve this conflict, just at a better time – soon.
- Do SOMETHING – All relationships have their history, hurdles, and hopes. But it’s about PROGRESS, not perfection. IF you’re willing to create a couple CULTURE of ongoing investment into intimacy with your intention, attention, and action, then your relationship will just get better and better, year after year.
Your Problems Vs. Your Promises
In a committed relationship, people often get addicted to the problems.
It starts off as some fantasy then turns to avoiding failure, with little in between for building a healthy foundation.
The functional world sets in. The realities of stress and just getting hangry happens. It’s NATURAL, but it is NOT helpful.
NURTURE your relationship by choosing to live from your PROMISES you make to yourself and your relationship. Otherwise, you and your relationship might fall victim to living from the PROBLEMS in your relationship.
Habits Determine Happiness
In a relationship, it is your HABITS that will determine your happiness. What you do daily, weekly, monthly again and again will set your satisfaction.
Right now, make these few minutes here more MEANINGFUL by PERSONALIZING this and taking ACTION now.
Look at these two lists again. Pick one habit to LET GO of and one to LEAN into.
Don’t worry if your beloved is on board to play. It may take two to tango, but it only takes one to change a habit.
Make a promise to YOURSELF about your old habits and your new ones. Then play a Game to make it a reality. See our coaching offerings if you’d like personalized support for turning your relationship vision into a reality.
Turn Anger Into Intimacy
You CAN turn anger into intimacy IF you’re willing to 1. Identify what unhealthy habit is tripping you up, 2. Name what healthy habit you will take on to replace the other habit. And 3. Practice, practice, practice.
Or as we like to say here, PLAY, PLAY, PLAY!
Let us know how it goes and how we can support YOU in having the relationship of your dreams.
1. Identify what unhealthy habit of YOURS is tripping YOU up the most. (You grow YOU and let your growth INSPIRE your beloved).
2. Name what healthy habit YOU will take on to replace the other habit.
3. Pick your prompts. Post reminders and inspiration. Schedule reminders worded in inspiring and fun ways.
4. Practice, practice, practice. Or rather play, play play!
BONUS: Find an accountability buddy to play this Game with.
BONUS: If you’re struggling with a persistent habit that is tripping you and your relationship up and you think personalized coaching might be a fit for you, check out our coaching page and schedule a consult call today.
Your Ally in Aiming for Awesome,
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