BLOG: 3 Tips for Honoring Your Beloved and Your Relationship
Delightful by Design
Raj and I USE our 12 wedding vows (one for each month) as guideposts to draw us towards being the kind of couple we promised ourselves, each other and our community to be.
Make writing your vows a special experience!
When we got married, we gave every guest a copy of our wedding vows. At the bottom it said…
"These promises are the touchstones we commit to coming back to again and again. It is what we want to be reminded of and held to. We make these promises to each other and to you all."
We didn’t want to have our wedding vows be something long forgotten. We wanted to LIVE them.
Focusing on the vow of the month, saying it daily over breakfast, setting goals around the vows each year - this keeps us focused on who we SAY we are as a couple, rather than just drifting into some dull, depressing, disastrous default.
We’re NOT interested in the DEFAULT. We're aiming for a relationship delightful by DESIGN.
What are YOUR promises in your relationship?
Use It or Lose It
If you're married, find your vows and put them where you can see them. Then set reminders in your calendar to be reminded of them.
If you’re not married, what DO you promise? You don't have to be married to create agreements or an aligned vision for how you want to be as a couple.
You can use that vision and those declarations to guide your day-to-day dynamic and ensure you grow closer all the time.
Create a GAME of how to keep your vows alive, present and expanding. Have fun with it. Let go of any “fix-it” energy.
It’s up to YOU!
I love the power of vows. The intention they set. I cherish the touchstone and anchor they can be for a relationship. They help us remember what we want most.
These reminders can be especially be helpful when you hit a bump in the road. Your vows become your invitation to return to what you swore and the life and relationship you declared.
Find YOUR Flow
Now my husband and I have 12 vows for 12 months, but find your own number of vows and periods of time that work best for you. One couple I worked with in the Va Va Vows personalized coaching series created just four wedding vows and focused on each one seasonally.
Create your own Game, use and adapt these ideas or just play the Vows Game the way we do… focus on one vow a month. The most important part is to just ENGAGE with your vows as a HABIT.
Honor Each Other
Now in our 13th year of marriage, 15th year together, we’re more clear than ever that a playful, peaceful, passionate relationship is only possible when you think and speak highly of your partner and honor who they are and how important your relationship is.
Not Always Easy
Anyone who has been with someone for a while likely already knows that always speaking highly of your beloved and refraining from slipping into ANY blaming, shaming or complaining is NOT always easy.
We get tired, stressed, overwhelmed and just under-resourced. Then we tend to take it out on each other. Or just withdraw and live separate lives.
Tools & Habits
That’s why we use TOOLS and build HABITS as part of our Couple Culture. We’re intentional about HOW and how OFTEN we communicate so that we don’t slowly succumb to being the cranky, loveless cliché couple. Augh! No thank you.
Here are three tools to lean into Loving Better by honoring your beloved and your relationship.
Drama Free Diet
One of the core tools we use to bring and restore honor to each other is The Drama Free Diet - to build our muscle in steering clear of dishonoring each other by being "blamey-shamey-complainy".
When we complain or blame we dishonor our beloved.
So when we DO find ourselves dishonoring our beloved by blaming or complaining, we use John Gottman's theory of The Magic Ratio.
Any time we catch ourselves saying something negative or dishonoring of our beloved, we will stop and then say 5 things about the VERY thing we were just blaming, shaming or complaining about.
Another fun tool to honor your beloved and to speak highly of them is through introductions that are actually acknowledgments. When you introduce your beloved to someone, this is your chance to build them up. Not just to the new people, but to your beloved too. The introduction is an acknowledgement in disguise. I love introducing my beloved. It’s a chance for me to fall in love with him yet a bit more.
Venting for Victory
A common way people often dishonor their relationship is by venting with the wrong people. When you have a conflict, be careful who you vent to. Venting can be very healthy, IF you do it with the right people and in a clear context.
Don’t vent to your beloved. They likely have their own triggers. Get the uglies out, but don’t get emotional vomit all over your beloved and your relationship. Get yourself straight first. Own your own upset. Identify what is really going on on YOUR side before you approach your beloved.
Don’t vent to friends or family who will take you too seriously. Be wary of seeking validation and sympathy. Reach out to someone who will listen to you AND your beloved as great, just human.
If you’re triggered, vent to someone who will both listen and not listen to you. Meaning they will hold a compassionate space for you and ALSO hold your beloved in compassionate regard as well. They will take your frustrations in stride, knowing we all get frustrated and say things we do not mean. Best to get it out with someone else and not blow up on your beloved later. Or get yourself a pro with a Venting for Victory personalized coaching session.
It’s all too easy for you to forgive and move on, but your friends and family won't be as forgiving. You’ll have built up an unfavorable image of your beloved that may be hard to recover from.
3 Paths to Honor
That’s three possible pathways to honor your beloved and your relationship. Explore, experiment and PLAY. Find what works for you. Create your own tools and Games.
Your happiness and success is important. Please, let us know how it goes!
- Va Va Vows - Create a Game with your vows or get support with personalized support.
- Drama Free Diet - When you find yourself blaming, shaming or complaining to your beloved, shift and say FIVE positive things about the VERY thing you were just complaining about.
- Acknowledgment Introductions - When you have an opportunity to introduce your beloved, use it to smuggle acknowledgements of them. Rave about them.
- Vent for Victory - Be intentional and selective with where and who you vent to or get personalized support.
- Let Us Know - Please share your hurdles, hopes, successes, ideas and questions on our social media.
Your Ally in Aiming for Awesome,
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