BLOG: The Power of a Proactive Perspective
The PRO-ACTIVE Perspective
Being proactive and moving TOWARDS what you DO want is a top priority in all the relationship “work” we do.
It takes focus, education, intention and attention to be PRO-ACTIVE and move TOWARDS, because as humans, we are designed AND conditioned to react to what’s coming at you and either move away or lash out.
Our very survival has been based on our ability to evaluate and judge what was coming at us and react (usually fight or flight) – or die.
Now judgement and fight or flight IS an important skill, yet it’s WAY overused in today’s day-and-age, especially in relationships.
What You Water Grows
Make The Time
Most couples are so used to relating to what is coming AT them, and what they want to move away from, that they rarely take the time to be intentional and focus on what they want to move TOWARDS. Yet – what you water grows.
So don’t let yourself lie there thinking of what you wish was NOT the case.
Instead – dream up how you WANT it to be and think about THAT. Talk about THAT.
This tip is about saying what you DO want, not what you DON’T want.
Nix the Negativity
There is no room for negativity in a Playful Peaceful, Passionate P3 Relationship.
Sure it will creep in from time to time, but you know negativity is TOTALLY TOXIC to a relationship.
So you apply John Gottman’s Magic Ratio (say 5 positive things after every time you catch yourself saying a negative thing) and shift OUT of bad habits that pull you apart and shift INTO good habits that draw you together.
Especially when it comes to Keeping the Sex Dirty… skip the criticism and complaints!
Instead of “Just Do It” think about “Just skip it!
Skip the complaint. Say NO to the negativity.
Lean Towards Instead of Away
Start Making Requests
Turn those complaints about what you don’t want into a vision of what you do want and how you would love it to be.
Start making REQUESTS.
You can literally translate the “NOT this” complaints into YES that requests!”
Lean TOWARDS what you want. It’s way hotter than leaning away form what you don’t want.
Don’t forget to reinforce what IS working. Tell your beloved all you DO like and what you want MORE of.
It is ordinary and even understandable to get stuck in complaints and resisting and pushing away from all you dislike in your partner and relationship.
Still, expressing those complaints ESPECIALLY around sex can quickly shut your beloved down and build barriers that are hard to break through.
When you catch yourself in a moving AWAY from stance…criticizing or making complaints to your beloved when it comes to sex and intimacy…
“I don’t like that.
“Not like THAT!”
“Why do you do it like that?”
“Why can’t you be more like that?”
“What are you doing?!”
STOP – Get a grip on yourself! Step up your awareness and intention to living and loving a Playful, Peaceful, Passionate P3 Relationship.
And choose wisely, lean into a TOWARDS stance.
“Oh move a little lower PLEASE”.
“I love it when you…”
“It would be so hot if you would…”
“Touch me here like this…”
“I love it when you wear…”
Saying what you DO want in regards to sex rather than what you don’t want, turns fear-inducing feedback into fabulous foreplay.
The point is… IF you want to have sexy-time get better and better year after year, then you better start communicating to GET RESULTS rather than just reacting or getting something off your chest.
Translate that AWAY stance into a TOWARD stance and the benefits will blow your mind!
And Remember…Keep the Fights Clean & the Sex Dirty and Save Being Nasty for Your Sex Life!
- Get a piece of paper. Draw a line down the center of the page. On the left side, list your main complaints are around your sex life. On the right side, translate those complaints into language about what you do want, rather than what you don't want.
- Looking at the left side, notice, then release, any resistance or tightness around the complaint and step into being creative and proactive by rewriting out the list on the right side, this time all on it's own page.
- Review the new list of what you want to move towards. Pick one idea from the right side to focus on and take one positive, proactive, intentional action today TOWARDS what you do want.
- Bonus round: Make three suggestions to your partner that would move you towards what you want and invite them to give you the gift of picking one. It helps A LOT if you first make sure your partner is on board for what you want, so do this together and share/merge your lists.
Your Ally in Aiming for Awesome,
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