BLOG: How To Lead AND Listen, Be Forceful AND Loving
Context is KING!
Before you dive into delicious sex, decide what you REALLY want and what is the CONTEXT for your most INTIMATE INTERACTIONS.
Is your unsatisfying sex life just one more thing on the long list of things you can be irked with your beloved about? Or is your sexlife an inspiring arena to play, learn and grow together?
Do you want to be RIGHT about what’s WRONG with your sex life OR do you want to have awesome eye-popping, BEST-EVER-SEXY-TIME with your beloved?
The good news is YOU get to CHOOSE.
A Limitless Adventure
IF you are WILLING to give up that you’re having too little or too much sex, to GIVE UP that you or your beloved are doing it wrong, or should be doing it differently and simply EMBRACE that you’re BEGINNERS LEARNING TOGETHER, then you will UNLEASH physical, emotional and yes, even spiritual sexual experiences that do more than curl your toes, they can change your life!
Because if you get that there is SO MUCH MORE available in your sex life, NO MATTER where you are now, then you create a context that is an INVITATION TO EXPAND, improve and explore new depths together.
Sex becomes a limitless adventure of pleasure, intimacy and joy.
A Limitless Adventure of Pleasure, Intimacy, & Joy
Once you’ve let go of the limiting beliefs that strong hold your behaviors, as you MOVE FORWARD to explore your new limitless and SEXY ADVENTURE, the MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember about sex is also the most important thing to remember about fighting.
You’re NOT your beloved! And they’re NOT you!
Your beloved does NOT think like you do. They do NOT have the same TRIGGERS or TURN ONS as you do. And they CAN’T read your mind.
Men and women are DIFFERENT. Every INDIVIDUAL is different. And when it comes to sex, even every MOMENT is different. What was super hot last week might be a total turn-off today.
Once you embrace that we are NOT the SAME and begin to explore the VAST and VARIED TERRAIN of your beloved’s likes and dislikes, turn ons and triggers, a whole new world opens up.
Light Switches & Boiling Water
This is critical! You MUST understand that NOT ONLY what turns you on might be TOTALLY different than what turns your beloved on, but the ENTIRE way you think and operate around sex is DIFFERENT.
This is why there is Viagra for men, but they have not yet been able to create the equivalent for women (despite the late night commercial claims).
Generally speaking, a man is more like a LIGHTSWITCH. He can be turned on or off quickly and in one fell swoop. It’s “Game on!” or “No go!”, but rarely in between.
And it doesn’t take much to go “Game on!”. It’s all about the BODY. It’s more DIRECT. You can “go for the gold” from the get go.
Plus men are more programmed to INITIATE and often have an INNATE sense of PERMISSION.
A woman is more like a POT OF WATER that takes time to boil. You can’t snap your fingers and have it hot. It takes CONSISTENT HEAT applied over a period of time. And how much time, depends on how much heat!
For a woman, the “heat” is all about the MIND. Her turn on is more INDIRECT. It’s best to go the roundabout “scenic route” to get there.
Finally, they’re NOT programed to initiate. They often need permission GIVEN to them.
If you fail to remember these tendencies, if you expect your beloved to think, behave and get turned on or off like you do, then your sexlife is in for either a RUDE AWAKENING or a SLOW DEATH.
If you ACCEPT that you are different and PLAY with those dynamics, a WHOLE NEW WORLD of wonderful sex becomes INEVITABLE.
A Whole New World of Wonderful
Lead AND Listen
Men, your woman wants nothing more than to surrender to you. She wants to feel not only held, but yes, even taken. “I’ve got you” are the three words a woman wants to hear most.
In episode 1.6 of FightsCleanSexDirtyTV, Susan Bratton of Personal Life Media talked about how masculine sexual leadership creates surrendered sex. “He has prowess and control over my turn on.”
And so do YOU of your beloved!
The research on top female fantasies prove that most women want to be RAVAGED – under the right CIRCUMSTANCES.
She’s WAITING for you to take the LEAD. She’s WAITING for you to give her PERMISSION.
She wants to feel TAKEN yet still in CONTROL. SURRENDERED yet still SAFE.
Just take baby steps. Press in with your dominant energy, LEAD and direct, then LISTEN.
Listen to her BODY. Does she recoil and pull away even subtly? Does she relax and open? What do her sounds tell you? Does she want more? Is she ecstatic about being on her edge or is she pushed way past it and now moving into anxiety mode?
Insert your directive energy then observe.
Lead AND listen.
Most Women Want To Be Ravaged
Forceful AND Loving
Now let me be clear. Ravaged is NOT rape.
Confusing or subtle, some might claim, but you get it. We all get the difference. Ravaged is leading, AND listening. It is being forceful AND loving. There is no love or listening in rape.
And most men have no desire to rape anyone. Yet they DO want the feeling of taking their woman, being the lead, and feeling her surrender into his direction.
You CAN be forceful AND loving at the same time.
It Takes Two To Tango
What a man can’t do is ravage his woman if she won’t surrender.
And when I say surrender, I’m NOT saying “say uncle”.
Men don’t just want consent. They don’t just want you to “submit” to get them off your back, they want to be wanted, to be desired, to have their beloved turned on by them.
Now it takes two to tango, so what about the woman’s role in all of this?
If a man presses in, and his beloved pushes back, they lose the “POLARITY” or charge between them. Both pressing in or being directive at the same time makes the interaction a POWER STRUGGLE.
If you both surrender and LET GO at the same time, then there is NO TENSION and no charge between you.
While we’re encouraging the men to take the lead by taking bold baby steps, we’re also encouraging the ladies take risks by surrendering.
When your man is being directive, see where you can surrender, even just a bit.
If this is difficult for you, then perhaps it’s time to take a step back and build trust so you can then let go.
Where trust and safety feel weak, address it. If you have concerns, get in communication. (See the Imago Dialog communication model for REALLY hearing each other in the P3 Party Blog titled “How to Pull Your Argument Escape Hatch”
If you ignore any budding breaks in trust and FAIL to INVEST in INTIMACY, then you’re signing on for a DEFAULT or DULL relationship with LISTLESS and LIMITED sexual expression.
See Where You Can Surrender Even Just A Bit
Flip It Good
Now all of this is a general dynamic that if you follow, you really can’t go wrong.
Unless you get STUCK here and become a “one trick pony.”
Variety is the spice of life!
Ladies – don’t forget to turn the tables once and a while and INITIATE. And I don’t mean just to get things going. Initiate new ideas for intimate interactions.
Get ADVENTUROUS. Get ASSERTIVE. Even use ROLE PLAY to take on another character if that’s exciting to you.
Men, you might TRY ON what surrender feels like some time. Let your woman lead YOU for a change and see where HER desires take you!
Let’s play passion!
1. Men: the next time you're intimate with you beloved, be directive UNTIL she gives you a direction (verbally or nonverbally). When she's directive, stop being directive. When she's neutral, softens or surrenders, lean into your leadership and steer the ship. Stay vigilant in reading her cues and respond to her shifts in real time.
2. Women: the next time you're intimate with your beloved, invite yourself to soften and surrender. Be authentic about what feels good and what does not, and whenever possible, let go and let your man lead you.
3. Have a conversation together about what would build trust between you in your sexual relationship. Is there anything that has gotten in the way of your trust that you might resolve to restore that trust?
4. Mix it up -- if you are usually the more directive one, then try surrendering to your beloved's desires. Invite them to lead if need be. If you're usually the more surrendered one, then test out the driver's seat once in a while.
Your Ally in Aiming for Awesome,
Plus be first for top tips, tools and techniques for