BLOG: Building Trust For Better Sex
Early & Often
Sex gets sexy (or goes south) WELL BEFORE the seduction ever begins. If you invest a little intention, attention and action early and often, the baby step actions can lead to a tidal wave of positive impact on the intimacy and sexiness in your relationship.
Keeping your relationship passionate should not be “work.” Let’s PLAY passion instead. If you give your relationship just a little extra something, just a little more often, you might be surprised at how little it takes to make a big difference.
Super satisfying sexy-time starts LONG before the seduction. Pay attention to the quality of your day-to-day interactions and their impact on the level of intimacy and attraction in your relationship.
You’re Gonna Kill the Baby!
I, like you, am a human being who has evolved to make leaps of judgement quickly, otherwise we might not survive! Judgement is ingrained in our biology, literally. So we tend to make leaps and “connect the dots” that aren’t really there.
One of those crazy stories that I makeup, I call: “You’re Gonna Kill the Baby!” See for the most part, I cook and Raj does the dishes in our house. Sometimes the dishes are not done as well as I think they should be. Not a big deal, but the first thing I think is “You’re gonna kill the baby!” Which is REALLY crazy since we don’t even HAVE a baby (yet we are trying)!
Somehow I make the LARGE leap from the dishes are dirty, so when we have a baby, Raj won’t clean the bottle well enough, and then the baby will get sick and die.
We Connect the Dots That Aren’t Really There
I Can’t Trust You
Yes, it’s quite a leap, but we ALL do it in one way or another at one time or another and most commonly way more often than we care to admit.
What happens is our beloved does something or doesn’t do something, and this erodes our trust for them in one area, and then we make a huge leap about ALL areas, including sex.
“I can’t trust you” is what is REALLY underneath it all.
No Safety, No Surrender
Many of us can fall into the big leap of thinking… “If I can’t trust you to _____ (fill in in the blank here…wash the dishes properly, do what you said you would by when you said you would, tell me the truth), then it probably isn’t safe for me to really let go and trust you sexually either.”
Doing anything that erodes at trust is going to erode at sexiness. Let’s face it, dropping the ball, lying or being sneaky in anyway is just NOT sexy. It doesn’t feel safe, and if your beloved does not feel safe, there is no sexiness, there is no surrender, there is no opening for the vulnerability required for true and evolving intimacy.
And the whole point is if you do the things in day to day life that bring you and your beloved together rather than pulling you apart, then the on-ramp to “best-eva-sexy-time” get’s A LOT shorter and easier to access!
We All Do It
No Peace No Passion
Fighting isn’t usually sexy either. Sure makeup sex is nice once in awhile, still if you and your beloved fight or allow separation to grow by default, then slowly, the sexiness subsides and pretty soon you’re more like squabbling roommates than satisfied lovers.
Raj and I did NOT want to end up as the cliche of the love that starts like a hot coal then cools until it is nothing but ash. Do you? Yuck!
When we hit the seven-year mark of our marriage, we talked about the “seven year itch.” We didn’t want that inherited cliche so we created our own Seven-Year-Itch to be about having “best-eva-sex” at least once every 90-Days. (Now we have sex far more often of course, we just made it clear that what we had an itch for was to continously have the best sex we have EVER had.
And we ARE!
Raj and I got specific about what “Friction Factors” were getting in the way of having peace in our relationship and we translated them into “Peace Practices.” Those Peace Practices, while designed to avoid our most common pitfalls, actually led to even greater sex.
Don’t Be A Cliche
Three Little Words
One of the most common Friction Factors we were facing was not doing what we said we would be doing, when we said we would do it. For example; showing up late, not doing something we said we would, etc. We were pretty great at keeping our word to our clients and others, but with each other, it was just getting easier to “let things slide.”
When you break your agreements with your beloved, they can often make that leap I was talking about before : “I can’t trust you” or “I can’t count on you.”
Especially for women, yet also for men, the three words we most want to hear AND believe is “I’ve got this” or “I’ve got you.”
We’re all so busy being so strong in the world, managing so much, juggling way too much, way too often, that when your beloved can not just SAY, but BE the space of “I’ve got this, I’ve got you,” well, it’s a HUGE relief.
Relief is let go, and to let go is to surrender, surrender is vulnerability, vulnerability is intimacy and intimacy is an on-ramp to sexiness.
Being Count-On-Able Is A Bridge To Best-Eva-Sexy-Time
Build Trust for Better Sex
Building trust is a baseline for better sex. Don’t let a lack of trust be a barrier in your relationship.
Pay attention to your promises and agreements when you MAKE THEM. Don’t placate and say you will do something just to get your beloved “off your back.” Then do everything in your power to DO what you SAID you would do.
And if you can’t or won’t follow through, you need to communicate about it AS SOON as you know you won’t be following through. Never wait for them to come to and ask. That’s setting your relationship up for nagging and NO ONE wants THAT (Check out the “Nip Nagging In the Bud” blog HERE).
Bring honor to your word so you will be considered “count-on-able” and can build the kind of trust that is a bridge to vulnerability, surrender and “best-ever-sexy-time.”
Let’s play passion!
1. Star with yourself. Make a list of everything you can think of that you agreed that you would do and have not done.
2. Share your list with your beloved. Acknowledge where you broke your agreement and either be honest that you won't be doing it, or recommit to doing it.
3. Declare to your beloved that you will be "Playing Passion" and that you will bring more focus on keeping your agreements as a way to build trust and intimacy.
BONUS - invite them to play passion with you, yet make sure it is an invitation and NOT a demand. You MUST have autonomy in growth. You can't force it on them, just inspire them to jump in. Hopefully they will be delighted at your efforts and happy to dive in and accept the Action Option invitation.
4. Do everything in your power to actually DO what you promised or agreed to. And when it looks like you won't be doing what you agreed to, then communicate that, and commit to the next steps. This will help you to build trust for better sex!
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